I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't think brook has ever known best
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
