You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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