Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
