Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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