Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
