Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
