All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize