you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize