As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
