My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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