stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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