I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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