Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
