Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
