I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
