At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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