yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
