I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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