My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
