is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
