I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
