my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
