Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
