My friends, they love my intelligence
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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