I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
