she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
