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I think my fart just growled at me.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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