Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
