Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
