he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
