I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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