I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
