so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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