I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
