But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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