i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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