Ambien. No doubt about it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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