You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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