Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Is it because I queefed?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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