I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
