Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
