My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
