For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
