you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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