i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
