So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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