she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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