i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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