Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
