If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
