i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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