so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
