its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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