They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
