K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
