i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This baby is an asshole
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
