If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
